I actually did kind of like the bit where Cloud said he'd be 'responsible' because he's Party Leader NOT LETTING ANYONE DOWN but that was leading into the marriage thing so I get why it was taken out too. It does read more natural with the marriage part gone.
I LIKE THE REASONING ABOUT THE DATING FORMALITIES. Really my only nitpick there is there's a lot of semi-colons. The first one is the only one I'd say really fits. The second, between "date" and "one", should be a comma (everything that follows is an appositive phrase, describing the 'date'). I could see this as a stylistic choice, because "One that would not end up with them in bed" is something that I could also see putting as a separate sentence (even though it's technically not correct), but then the third semi-colon comes so soon after that it seems like overkill. "So; she could not have all the traditional dating moments." ...Why the semi-colon? Because it's not as common as punctuation, it really breaks the flow as it's noticeable that the "So" itself wasn't even necessary. My suggestion would be to take out the "So;" and just mash this sentence with the one following: "She could not have all the traditional dating moments, but she could have enough to make it seem like a start ["the start of a relationship" maybe?] and not just a continuation of sleeping together in secret."
...Now I kind of feel like Cloud is swinging a bit too far in mood extremes /_\ I'm sorry I'm going to have to come back to this tomorrow and try to articulate thoughts better because right now it's just not clicking. IT IS MORE CONCRETE THOUGH I can see how he's supposed to be moving from feeling to feeling. Just not sure it sits right with me.
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timeasmymeasure
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Date: 2014-04-04 03:10 (UTC)I LIKE THE REASONING ABOUT THE DATING FORMALITIES. Really my only nitpick there is there's a lot of semi-colons. The first one is the only one I'd say really fits. The second, between "date" and "one", should be a comma (everything that follows is an appositive phrase, describing the 'date'). I could see this as a stylistic choice, because "One that would not end up with them in bed" is something that I could also see putting as a separate sentence (even though it's technically not correct), but then the third semi-colon comes so soon after that it seems like overkill. "So; she could not have all the traditional dating moments." ...Why the semi-colon? Because it's not as common as punctuation, it really breaks the flow as it's noticeable that the "So" itself wasn't even necessary. My suggestion would be to take out the "So;" and just mash this sentence with the one following: "She could not have all the traditional dating moments, but she could have enough to make it seem like a start ["the start of a relationship" maybe?] and not just a continuation of sleeping together in secret."
...Now I kind of feel like Cloud is swinging a bit too far in mood extremes /_\ I'm sorry I'm going to have to come back to this tomorrow and try to articulate thoughts better because right now it's just not clicking. IT IS MORE CONCRETE THOUGH I can see how he's supposed to be moving from feeling to feeling. Just not sure it sits right with me.