I like chapter 1's extended ending, and the description of Elmyra looking like her mother (though I think it could be described how so?) The part that niggles me is Aerith setting Ifalna's body aflame.
Part of it is her thinking that Shinra would take samples from her mother's corpse so quickly; has she seen dissections done before? This doesn't seem unlikely, mind, but could use noting beforehand to explain why a seven-year-old thinks of it so quickly at a time that's... well, usually not good for thinking. (It also seems a bit odd that none of her crying seems to be about Ifalna herself, from the description?) Then she lights Ifalna on fire to prevent that. ...Is she really ready that quickly to say goodbye? And she doesn't hesitate that anyone might see the strange flame? She was just crying about the pursuit... And the final bit that puzzled me is why there isn't some kind of reaction to her mother's corpse burning; it's a train station, Elmyra was waiting for her husband, others might have been waiting there too; there's for certain one other person depicted at the scene in canon. And the fire is not only a sudden one but potentially dangerous, since as you noted the ground is littered with paper, scrap, organic waste (and then it's made a thing in the next chapter that Aerith's fires *can* accidentally catch where unwanted).
I like the idea of Aerith's fire power closing the escape sequence, showing this really is a different Aerith if in a small way, but it feels like it's done too neatly, I guess.
Onto the second chapter!
I like Aerith's anticipation of people thinking they've figured out the "trick", and her actually hoping for it for the fun of fooling them. Sneeeeeaaaky.
Maybe...give a bit more context what "poi" is for people who don't know? I blanked, and when I looked it up in my computer dictionary I just got a culinary dish. Became more apparent with googling, but yeah. (Also I think I just want more description of it because the visuals of it are amazing).
I do like that she tries to save her dancing for special occasions to not let it get boring--and the description of her lighting her hair on fire as well was unexpected and delightful!
"Maybe life was better with some mysteries he said after holding her gaze. Then he smiled."
Ah; I really like the little beat there in the writing. And really I just like the whole introduction with Zack and the build-up to her "second dance"--and the aftermath of it too, with how Zack conspires with her to cover up the mess! He's definitely fun in this. Though I do wonder how much he suspected by the time of seeing her cover her breasts like that... XD
"Or was it even a her? Maybe he had found a him instead?"
A cute way of showing she really has no idea, haha.
"Some went further muttering personal slurs and estimations of her love life, a conclusion reached by no more information then seeing her step gracefully through arcing flames and weave to the music."
To be honest, I'd hesitate about making this an "Upper Plate is snootier" problem because, if the game's presentation of Wall Market is anything to go by, there are a number of people in the slums who would make assumptions of a girl doing sensual dances / believe she could be persuaded to give "special performances" and such. It seems more like a "Midgar has some misogyny going on" thing.
I ended the chapter thinking "light his pants on fire" so I think I have already become way too amused by the thought of her using her fire in petty ways when she hasn't even done anything like that XD
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2013-05-05 07:41 (UTC)Part of it is her thinking that Shinra would take samples from her mother's corpse so quickly; has she seen dissections done before? This doesn't seem unlikely, mind, but could use noting beforehand to explain why a seven-year-old thinks of it so quickly at a time that's... well, usually not good for thinking. (It also seems a bit odd that none of her crying seems to be about Ifalna herself, from the description?) Then she lights Ifalna on fire to prevent that. ...Is she really ready that quickly to say goodbye? And she doesn't hesitate that anyone might see the strange flame? She was just crying about the pursuit... And the final bit that puzzled me is why there isn't some kind of reaction to her mother's corpse burning; it's a train station, Elmyra was waiting for her husband, others might have been waiting there too; there's for certain one other person depicted at the scene in canon. And the fire is not only a sudden one but potentially dangerous, since as you noted the ground is littered with paper, scrap, organic waste (and then it's made a thing in the next chapter that Aerith's fires *can* accidentally catch where unwanted).
I like the idea of Aerith's fire power closing the escape sequence, showing this really is a different Aerith if in a small way, but it feels like it's done too neatly, I guess.
Onto the second chapter!
I like Aerith's anticipation of people thinking they've figured out the "trick", and her actually hoping for it for the fun of fooling them. Sneeeeeaaaky.
Maybe...give a bit more context what "poi" is for people who don't know? I blanked, and when I looked it up in my computer dictionary I just got a culinary dish. Became more apparent with googling, but yeah. (Also I think I just want more description of it because the visuals of it are amazing).
I do like that she tries to save her dancing for special occasions to not let it get boring--and the description of her lighting her hair on fire as well was unexpected and delightful!
"Maybe life was better with some mysteries he said after holding her gaze. Then he smiled."
Ah; I really like the little beat there in the writing. And really I just like the whole introduction with Zack and the build-up to her "second dance"--and the aftermath of it too, with how Zack conspires with her to cover up the mess! He's definitely fun in this. Though I do wonder how much he suspected by the time of seeing her cover her breasts like that... XD
"Or was it even a her? Maybe he had found a him instead?"
A cute way of showing she really has no idea, haha.
"Some went further muttering personal slurs and estimations of her love life, a conclusion reached by no more information then seeing her step gracefully through arcing flames and weave to the music."
To be honest, I'd hesitate about making this an "Upper Plate is snootier" problem because, if the game's presentation of Wall Market is anything to go by, there are a number of people in the slums who would make assumptions of a girl doing sensual dances / believe she could be persuaded to give "special performances" and such. It seems more like a "Midgar has some misogyny going on" thing.
I ended the chapter thinking "light his pants on fire" so I think I have already become way too amused by the thought of her using her fire in petty ways when she hasn't even done anything like that XD