I was wondering after reading this about weaving the two strands together - unlike chapter 2, chapter 1 is more of an overlap between the two view-points... but that won't fix some of the awkwardness. I think I need to segue a bit better between the sections and have a moment where both of them drop off to sleep so it flows a bit better.
Curse my use of filler words!
Many thanks for the spelling and punctuation catches as always! I think I need to sit down and re-learn some of the technical stuff all over again. Heh - glad the honeybee girls' effect on Cloud was amusing (though I note from re-reading the script that in game they are concerned he's burst into the changing room. Buuut, I like the way this works and how it contributes to Cloud's horniness so I'll stick with this way).
The whole fake breasts thing was a sudden realisation as Cloud was getting dressed up - and one of the odder omissions of the whole gathering materials side-quests (and on that note, Cloud was going to wind up with the generic lingerie rather then the bikini briefs until I checked the Ultimania and found the images for both and that rather then panties, its a barely there negligee thing and somewhat more daring then Cloud is likely to go in for. Even given his current state of dress).
Ah! The kata *is* him doing squats... I just didn't want to actually put the word 'squats' in there for some reason. But yeah, that is the first thing that sprang to my mind as I realised he needs to get himself distracted and fast. So, yeah I'll make that clearer (discomfort might also help Cloud get himself under control again as well...)
Well, Cloud is either being a gentleman, or just really not comfortable with having sex in cramped changing room with the propriator and his daughter just outside. But yeah, also a gentleman. In a dress.
...ah. yeah I did gloss over Miss Cloud with the Buster Sword; I like the idea of the sleazy cat-calls relating to that, and the surprise "she's" lifting it (I suppose some could dismiss it as a fake...). And heh - yeah Aeris needs to get him out of there before he can demonstrate his weapon skills...
Ack! Yeah, completely the wrong wording on that line about the sword! That was really dumb.
...ah. I confess at this point that Aeris's line "Before we get any more involved" is an overlooked hold-over from the first draft where Aeris went a *little* bit further one touch a bit further then she got now) and so things had effectively gotten a lot more personal between them. So that line should have changed along with that. I'll downplay the why she doesn't want romance reason as well...
no subject
Curse my use of filler words!
Many thanks for the spelling and punctuation catches as always! I think I need to sit down and re-learn some of the technical stuff all over again. Heh - glad the honeybee girls' effect on Cloud was amusing (though I note from re-reading the script that in game they are concerned he's burst into the changing room. Buuut, I like the way this works and how it contributes to Cloud's horniness so I'll stick with this way).
The whole fake breasts thing was a sudden realisation as Cloud was getting dressed up - and one of the odder omissions of the whole gathering materials side-quests (and on that note, Cloud was going to wind up with the generic lingerie rather then the bikini briefs until I checked the Ultimania and found the images for both and that rather then panties, its a barely there negligee thing and somewhat more daring then Cloud is likely to go in for. Even given his current state of dress).
Ah! The kata *is* him doing squats... I just didn't want to actually put the word 'squats' in there for some reason. But yeah, that is the first thing that sprang to my mind as I realised he needs to get himself distracted and fast. So, yeah I'll make that clearer (discomfort might also help Cloud get himself under control again as well...)
Well, Cloud is either being a gentleman, or just really not comfortable with having sex in cramped changing room with the propriator and his daughter just outside. But yeah, also a gentleman. In a dress.
...ah. yeah I did gloss over Miss Cloud with the Buster Sword; I like the idea of the sleazy cat-calls relating to that, and the surprise "she's" lifting it (I suppose some could dismiss it as a fake...). And heh - yeah Aeris needs to get him out of there before he can demonstrate his weapon skills...
Ack! Yeah, completely the wrong wording on that line about the sword! That was really dumb.
...ah. I confess at this point that Aeris's line "Before we get any more involved" is an overlooked hold-over from the first draft where Aeris went a *little* bit further one touch a bit further then she got now) and so things had effectively gotten a lot more personal between them. So that line should have changed along with that. I'll downplay the why she doesn't want romance reason as well...