If it helps, I reaaaaally liked the description. There's some spelling/grammar stuff but nothing too jarring.
Okay so. Don't regret writing any of this! I think it's a good start. I am wondering though about rearranging the sequence so the story starts out as blunt as Aerith though--opening up with her hinted invitation and describing how she'd looked then and the effect it had had on him. Just a thought that came to mind as it cuts to the chase immediately and skips the changing around in time period; it's not confusing, but doesn't really seem necessary, either. Cloud's thoughts about his dream...you know, while it's an older girl, he's certainly not settling down (or at least not at the point of considering it a possibility) like his mother wanted! It'd be nice to see that acknowledged, that getting to know Aerith through her offer isn't exactly the girlfriend route (or if he is actually daydreaming about Aerith as a girlfriend, realizing that's not exactly what she offered him). In description, I really like how she speaks his name, takes "a step" toward him, and he goes into description--and then "suddenly" she's in his personal space, like he'd gotten too caught up in the details about her to really think about the matter of her approaching him until she was there. I like the mix of disappointment and relief as she DOESN'T kiss him but leans in toward his ear. And ah. I just like the little notes like her warm breath on him, and how she deliberately pauses in saying his name, kind of teasing the message out a little.
"Nerve-wracking visions of a more naive Aerith" seemed a bit odd; I mean, with the offer JUST having been made, is he really going to be picturing her as naive? Maybe that she didn't mean it seriously and really was just teasing (in which case, her finding him having been aroused by it is going to be SO awkward) or a fear of Elmrya being the one to find him... (...Run, Cloud. Elmyra WILL chase you out with the broom, while your pants are down around your ankles.)
...Poor Cloud, being ever tormented by his horny horny mind now.
...And then he wakes back up again! Like the detail of him removing his boots to be stealthy. And I also really like that he acknowledges feeling like it's payment enough having had shelter for the night, even if it's not what was promised.
Now to Aerith's section! It was a bit more involving on Zack than I had expected; pretty much gets everything upfront with her issues about him, if none of the answers about him. Slightly amused at Cloud managing to look cute while knocked out from the fall. The contrast of "lithe"/"muscular" between Cloud and Zack kind of bugged me a bit, mostly because they're not necessarily different (you can be lithe and muscular, and that's pretty much what Cloud is?). Maybe something like lithe/stocky to show how they're muscled is different.
Aerith decided very quickly that she wanted to have sex with Cloud. At first I was surprised, but then I realized that as a purely physical thing, that's not really all that odd to feel an attraction and want to act on it. I feel bad that she feels guilty about it though; oh Aerith....
"Object of her affections" seems a bit sentimental for how she's viewing Cloud so far; more sexual interest than affection going on right now (I know the affection is going to come in later, but... )
I am amused that her fantasizing has her taking charge of the sex. She knoooows what she wants.
Part of the reason the time skipping seems a bit unnecessary to me is how Aerith's section is chopped up for it; while I can see leaving off at her taking care of herself due to the theme of the fic, it makes it seem like chronologically it just...leaves off at her realizing that Cloud has gone, and frustratedly thinking about Zack for a while/getting dressed hurriedly (it's a bit odd too in how it goes to her getting dressed, hurriedly, THEN "she'd been awake for a while", so I guess the thoughts about Zack were actually happening before the door shut, THEN it goes further back again to...the first time she tried to ask him about Zack; and I'm honestly not sure if her real first good look at his eyes is supposed to be the night of the first reactor explosion or at the church, their settings aren't described in that moment and then we switch to Cloud being unconscious. ...Actually upon rereading I'm pretty sure that moment is that the one that's echoed later on with her seeing his eyes' beauty, so yeah; we go back in time about three or four times before moving forward, and we never seem to quite get back to the moment Cloud's left at to resolve him sneaking out of the house, that Aerith's mom had asked him to leave, even if it's as simple as Aerith being bound and determined to catch up to him to get a real response with no interfering parents around.
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Okay so. Don't regret writing any of this! I think it's a good start. I am wondering though about rearranging the sequence so the story starts out as blunt as Aerith though--opening up with her hinted invitation and describing how she'd looked then and the effect it had had on him. Just a thought that came to mind as it cuts to the chase immediately and skips the changing around in time period; it's not confusing, but doesn't really seem necessary, either. Cloud's thoughts about his dream...you know, while it's an older girl, he's certainly not settling down (or at least not at the point of considering it a possibility) like his mother wanted! It'd be nice to see that acknowledged, that getting to know Aerith through her offer isn't exactly the girlfriend route (or if he is actually daydreaming about Aerith as a girlfriend, realizing that's not exactly what she offered him). In description, I really like how she speaks his name, takes "a step" toward him, and he goes into description--and then "suddenly" she's in his personal space, like he'd gotten too caught up in the details about her to really think about the matter of her approaching him until she was there. I like the mix of disappointment and relief as she DOESN'T kiss him but leans in toward his ear. And ah. I just like the little notes like her warm breath on him, and how she deliberately pauses in saying his name, kind of teasing the message out a little.
"Nerve-wracking visions of a more naive Aerith" seemed a bit odd; I mean, with the offer JUST having been made, is he really going to be picturing her as naive? Maybe that she didn't mean it seriously and really was just teasing (in which case, her finding him having been aroused by it is going to be SO awkward) or a fear of Elmrya being the one to find him... (...Run, Cloud. Elmyra WILL chase you out with the broom, while your pants are down around your ankles.)
...Poor Cloud, being ever tormented by his horny horny mind now.
...And then he wakes back up again! Like the detail of him removing his boots to be stealthy. And I also really like that he acknowledges feeling like it's payment enough having had shelter for the night, even if it's not what was promised.
Now to Aerith's section! It was a bit more involving on Zack than I had expected; pretty much gets everything upfront with her issues about him, if none of the answers about him. Slightly amused at Cloud managing to look cute while knocked out from the fall. The contrast of "lithe"/"muscular" between Cloud and Zack kind of bugged me a bit, mostly because they're not necessarily different (you can be lithe and muscular, and that's pretty much what Cloud is?). Maybe something like lithe/stocky to show how they're muscled is different.
Aerith decided very quickly that she wanted to have sex with Cloud. At first I was surprised, but then I realized that as a purely physical thing, that's not really all that odd to feel an attraction and want to act on it. I feel bad that she feels guilty about it though; oh Aerith....
"Object of her affections" seems a bit sentimental for how she's viewing Cloud so far; more sexual interest than affection going on right now (I know the affection is going to come in later, but... )
I am amused that her fantasizing has her taking charge of the sex. She knoooows what she wants.
Part of the reason the time skipping seems a bit unnecessary to me is how Aerith's section is chopped up for it; while I can see leaving off at her taking care of herself due to the theme of the fic, it makes it seem like chronologically it just...leaves off at her realizing that Cloud has gone, and frustratedly thinking about Zack for a while/getting dressed hurriedly (it's a bit odd too in how it goes to her getting dressed, hurriedly, THEN "she'd been awake for a while", so I guess the thoughts about Zack were actually happening before the door shut, THEN it goes further back again to...the first time she tried to ask him about Zack; and I'm honestly not sure if her real first good look at his eyes is supposed to be the night of the first reactor explosion or at the church, their settings aren't described in that moment and then we switch to Cloud being unconscious. ...Actually upon rereading I'm pretty sure that moment is that the one that's echoed later on with her seeing his eyes' beauty, so yeah; we go back in time about three or four times before moving forward, and we never seem to quite get back to the moment Cloud's left at to resolve him sneaking out of the house, that Aerith's mom had asked him to leave, even if it's as simple as Aerith being bound and determined to catch up to him to get a real response with no interfering parents around.